The Need

I’m feeling the need to write- to share my story with the vast internet.  But with wanting to share, I want to protect myself and all of my babies from judgment.  I have never been one to handle criticism or judgment, however positive or good hearted the intention, with grace.  I always jump to the worst-case scenario, I take everything personally, and I don’t have a particularly thick skin- especially when it comes to my weight.

I’ve worked so hard to get where I am emotionally, in work, with my marriage, with my children.  So why am I so apprehensive to work as hard for my weight-loss?  Why do I take the easy way out?  Why do I not fight as hard for me?

It’s so easy to make a thousand, legitimate, excuses.  My kids and husband need me at home.  I have work reports to write.  I need to get home so I can do laundry and clean the house.  I’m so tired. 

And those excuses make me less happy, less confident, and more anxious.  They make me feel weak.  I’m no where closer to the person I want to be.

But I’m stronger than I think.  I’ve survived a deployment, a long distance relationship, being the wife of a (now ex) cop, burying two babies, fostering two babies and fighting to adopt them.  I have fought every single step of the way.  

So why is this so hard?  Why is this turning out to be one of the hardest things I’ve done?  I’m worth it.  Why don’t I fight for me?